All right, pack it up. Put the popcorn away and get out the textbooks. Summer is officially over and it kind of sucks. The summer blockbusters have all but dried up and the biggest blockbuster you’re likely to get is watching the one on your block sadly sell off everything and close up.
There have been more disappointing things this summer though. Hollywood likes to throw their biggest movies at this time period and watch the money roll in. Unless that movie is absolutely terrible or appeals only to the guy who’s been living in a cage for 30 years and doesn’t know what a movie is.
With that, let’s take a look at the worst flops of this summer.
Note: I’m looking solely at domestic numbers here and whether the movie bombed in ‘Merica.Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Budget: $69 million
Tim Burton plus the director of Wanted on an action movie sounds like a great idea. Then you add in re-writing Abraham Lincoln’s history so that he killed vampires and a tossed horse and you have some trouble. It doesn’t help when you show your trailer in theaters and have people laugh at the title. It works as a book, but once you try to make a movie and treat it seriously you’re like the kid in the corner with a dunce hat.Dark Shadows
Budget: $150 million
Oh hey guys, it’s Tim Burton again. Let me put it this way, this is the worst Johnny Depp movie at the box office since The Tourist. Yes, that soddy piece of crap that people only watched for Depp and Angelina Jolie but stuffed forks in their eyes as soon as they saw it is the movie that stands next to Dark Shadows for Depp.
Note to everyone: don’t take old cult British TV shows that no one knows about and turn it into a crazy movie where you can dress up Johnny Depp. It doesn’t work.Rock of Ages
Budget: $75 million
The only thing I can remember from the trailer was Catherine Zeta Jones singing “we’re not gonna take it!” I think it’s because audiences didn’t want to take this movie at all, which explains how it’s made $38 million domestically since June 15. Two months. The Avengers makes more money farting. Musicals are hard enough to market, making one about censorship in the 80′s with old rock music that sounds like it was recorded from Glee is like knifing your achilles before a race.Total Recall
Budget: $125 million
This is probably going to be something that Sony Pictures won’t want to be recalling (HAHA PUNS). This movie has been out for a month and despite it’s well recognized name and stars people kinda skipped it. I dunno, might have something to do with the fact that people loved the original and that when they heard this took place on Earth people wrote it off. The sad part is this is the most enjoyable film on the list. There’s always VOD and Netflix though.Battleship
Budget: $209 million
This film gives me hope. People absolutely snubbed their asses at this movie the minute they saw the first trailer. I heard what they said too, it was something like this: what the shit? Is this a Transformers rip off? Oh my god, Rihanna!? What in the… OMG WHAT IS THIS STOP THE EXPLOSIONS. And then people went to watch something else. Let this be a lesson when that Candyland movie rolls around: don’t watch movies based on Hasbro properties.